Festive seasons never seem to be a good one for me but turns out into anger and tears.
Side topic from resolutions, I've felt so neglected in my entire life. That I learnt that everyone eventually gets replaced. Or maybe just me.
Whenever I'm ready to dedicate my soul to someone, they would always soon after find someone else that they prefer. Since young, this has been a continuous cycle & I'm honestly so fucking sick of this. Just when, will I ever get someone who can silly with me, be overly attached to me, and to just see the good in me.
I've never been anyone's bias for long and people seem to take me lightly. But to me, it's so damn hurtful, to suffer the same thing for 19 years with several people whom I thought I could spend my entire life closely with.
My mum fancies my sister more.
Jermine & Jingyee preferred to be together.
Jiaxuan and Cassa clicked well better.
Mavis & JingYing two-faced.
The Sec 3 clique excluded me because in Sec1-2 we were not in the same class.
Brenda found Wenxia, then Nanthini.
Jeanette drifted from all of us.
Jen took away Mabel.
Conan's parents prefer Jamie.
Who am I left with?
Nobody.
No one to love. No one to wake up to. No one to understand me.
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Most of the times, I feel that he doesn't understand me. My thoughts, my actions, my love.
Many times you'll doubt the relationship so much that you know without him understanding all these, it's impossible for it to last long.
I know one day I will not be able to take it and just let it go, as much as I really do love him.
But there stands no point when the person does not understand your feelings and thoughts. Who does not attend to the care, assurance and attention you need, and have been always wanting to have.
And it's true, you know, how relationships do change after a period of time when both gets comfortable with one another. They'll think whatever you're thinking are just overthinking and no longer attend to it anymore, they'll stop making effort to spam call you or text you when you're giving attitude, they'll stop surprising you at your house and be stubborn about holding your hand even when you want to let go.
Those cute moments have been lost because of the comfortability we share with each other.
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Always weeping at home when I wake up and before I go to bed.
Always having to see the people who were once my everything hanging out together without me.
Always suffering in silence and not confronting because I know if I do, I'll lose even more eventually.
I am never enough. And I have never ever felt enough.
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In 2017, I hope to:
- Find my soulmate
- Get into a desired course & university
- Meet lifelong friends there
- Have my boyfriend understand me better
- Go overseas with friends
- Let go of all those toxic and insecurities
- Be bold
- Be nice
- Be happy
- To meet someone who treats me well consistently
- To be more independent, because the one you are dependent on will eventually stop trying.
